Narratives and Habits for Personal Agency

Smashing the Cycle of Negative Thinking, Part 1

As I detailed in my previous post on negative thinking, it is very easy to worsen the challenges and suffering of our life through the creation of negative narratives. These narratives can convince us that our situation is hopeless, that we are hopeless, and that we are totally trapped and powerless in situations and relationships beyond our control.

Suppressing or ignoring negative thoughts is not the solution. We should acknowledge our own unpleasant feelings and thoughts. If appropriate, we should also express them. But, in any case, we should not become obsessed with our negative thoughts or constantly dwell on them.

Rather than suppressing them, I think the solution is to gradually replace our negative narratives with positive ones. By “positive” narratives, I mean ones that are:

• Open to new information and the unknown possibilities of your existence

• Constructive, that is, they help you engage and shape your life-trajectory

• Truthful, that is, actually reflecting reality, in particular the unpleasant or limiting realities of human existence

By “positive” I do not mean wishful thinking or being delusional about your situation. I have always disliked “positive thinking” when that seemed to mean denying the unpleasant things I felt or simply being in denial.

Between negative thinking and delusional thinking then, there is realistic thinking, which in its way will also be positive. If I were to reword Antonio Gramsci’s famous saying, I would say we need: “Realism of the intellect, optimism of the will.”

Providing such positive narratives is one of the great virtues of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, a book I cannot stop banging on about since I read it. The whole point of Covey’s book is to institute a “paradigm shift” in your mind. He wants to you to see reality in a different way, one which he thinks is both more accurate to the facts of existence and deeply empowering. The 7 Habits in some sense can be boiled down to two basic narratives:

1. You have agency and responsibility for your life.

2. Human beings are meant to cooperate with each other and can do so through frank and compassionate dialogue

In this post, I will share some simple narratives for personal agency that are open, constructive, and truthful. (Later, I will write a post on narratives for interpersonal cooperation.) If you keep in them in mind, you can gradually substitute counterproductive thought patterns you may have and acquire productive habits. In so doing, you will become more at ease and effective in your day-to-day life. To quote Marcus Aurelius again: “The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.”

Narratives of personal agency

You deserve to be happy

There is a lot more I could say on this, but suffice to say that: you deserve to be happy; don’t think you are doomed to being happy; and you owe it to yourself and to those around you to do whatever you can to become happier. If you are happy, you will spread your happiness to others and are likely to be a far more effective human being, and thus able to contribute more to others and society.

You can always improve your reactions to whatever happens to you

You can’t control what happens to you in life, but you can cultivate the practice, every day, of improving your reactions to what happens. For example, when something you dislike happens, you can practice taking a deep breath, letting emotions subside, and choosing the appropriate response.

When things go badly, you can reflect in the evening on why this was the case and what you could do differently next time. You can also simply ask someone you trust for help. It might take a while, but if you practice improving your reactions, inevitably you will improve over time. Practice makes perfect.

Regular meditation can be a powerful way of reducing your reactivity and improving your ability to wisely choose appropriate responses.

You can always work within your Circle of Influence, and thereby grow it

Like the ancient Stoics, Stephen Covey makes a crucial distinction between things that are within our control and things that our not. In practice, the only things we have control over are our own thoughts and actions. Through our actions, we have an impact on our Circle of Influence (typically defined by our relationships). Focus on what you can do and let go of the rest.

Focusing on things outside our control—lamenting the weather, complaining about a manager, denigrating the organization—fills us with negative energy and ruins our relationships. Perversely, this in fact shrinks our Circle of Influence and, in the end, reduces our ability to effect positive change in the things we say we care about. If something is beyond our control, we ought to be detached from it. This is not the same as indifference, nor is it a recipe for inaction. Marcus Aurelius told himself to not “allow your happiness to depend on what passes in the souls of other people” (i.e., don’t worry

On the contrary, by working within our Circle of Influence—by taking positive daily actions and cultivating relationships—we actually achieve positive results and make a contribution. By focusing on what we can do, the resulting positive energy (improved relationships, reputation, influence, etc.) grows our Circle of Influence and, indirectly, enables us to have more of a positive impact on the broader issues that concern us.

You can always plan your life around your values

To live is to risk it all; otherwise you’re just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you… (Rick in Rick and Morty, “Jerry After the Divorce”)

At a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your life. If you are unhappy or dissatisfied with the way things are going, you ought to take action, not complain. You may live reactively or passively, just going with the flow of things, doing only what is “expected” (you assume, by society, by your family, by your peers, or whatever), and what is bluntly required of you (notably, working to meet your financial needs). But, if so, don’t be surprised if your resulting life does not correspond to your actual hopes and needs.

But what should I do with my life, you ask? That can be a terrifying question. Stephen Covey recommends an interesting spiritual exercise: book some time by yourself in a quiet room; imagine your death three years from now. What, in your rightful human pride and self-respect, would you want people to say at your funeral? That will tell you a lot about the values you hold dear and the image of yourself you would like to live up to.

I believe the definition or discovery of one’s values is to some extent a lifelong endeavor. Every day we experience and learn new things which invite us to adjust our worldview. That said, as a practical matter, we don’t need to reinvent the wheel and all become doubting philosophers. We can look within ourselves—Nature has endowed all of us, besides psychopaths, with powerful moral sentiments.

You can also look to the great classics of our civilizations. Homer and Aristotle, the Stoics and the Bible, Confucius and the Buddha: all of these classics are treasure troves of wisdom. Find whatever resonates with you. There are differences between these traditions that should not be underestimated, but by and large there is tremendous overlap, because there is so much shared human nature and similar dynamics of basic human interaction across societies.

The point however is that whatever values you choose—doing good to others, doing right by your parents, preparing your children for life, advancing truth, setting an example, or whatever they might be—are yours. You actually care about them. No one imposed them on you; you don’t have that excuse. So find your values, the things you are passionate about, and act upon them. The French moralist Nicolas Chamfort said: “Les raisonnables ont duré, les passionnés ont vécu. (“The reasonable lasted, the passionate lived,” a quote Charles de Gaulle loved to cite.)

Now that you know what you’re about, plan your time accordingly. Plan your week around each of your major values and social roles (each role representing key relationships and activities in your life, such as parent, child, coworker, scientist, writer…). For each role, ask yourself: what is the most important thing I could do this week? And then fit the rest around those priorities.

Eisenhower’s Decision Matrix: you should work to shrink Quadrant 1 (by dealing with important problems in advance) and focus on Quadrant 2 (by proactively dedicating time to important but non-urgent issues).

People will say: I’m overloaded, between work and family life and I just can’t plan anything for myself. Constraints in life are real. But, unless you’re in a soldier in a warzone or a working single mother with children, I am not very sympathetic to this claim. Most of my readers will be living in the First World and will have significant leeway. We almost all have some wiggle room in our lives (when we’re young and single most have an embarrassing amount of free time). If you really are overwhelmed, ask for help and get your friends or relations to give you a hand.

Anyway, by regularly identifying your highest priorities—based on your most important roles and values—you will be able to say no what is superfluous and find time to focus on what matters most to you.

Human life is limited, and that’s alright

Crucially, none of the above affirmations promise the Moon. In particular, you remain open to two basic facts of human life: 1) In any endeavor, you may fail. 2) You will, sooner or later, die. Very sad, to be sure, but how does it follow that you shouldn’t try to live the life you want? How does it follow that you should be discouraged? You might fail, you will die. All that these entail is that you should try and try again until your time is up. If nothing else, you can set an example to others. The sooner you make peace with our human limitations and uncertainties, the sooner you will make the most of your life.

Covey is refreshingly frank on the tragic aspect of life. For him, again like a good Stoic, we must detach and free ourselves from problems that are wholly outside our control (which might be an illness, a firing, a death in the family…):

No control problems involve taking responsibility to change the line on the bottom of our face—to smile, to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and learn to live with them, even though we don’t like them. In this way, we do not empower these problems to control us. We share in the spirit embodied in the Alcoholic Anonymous prayer, “Lord, give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.”¹

A telling example: Stallone’s Leap of Faith with Rocky

Anyway, a picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case a video which perfectly highlights what I am talking about. I recently came across this remarkable 1977 interview with Sylvester Stallone in which he discusses just how poor, desperate, and unknown he was before making his breakthrough film, Rocky.

Before Rocky, and at the age of 30, Stallone had essentially had no significant film roles. He wrote the script for Rocky and was ultimately offered $360,000 to sell it to the studio. But he said no, insisting that he be the lead actor so as to, finally, have a chance to show off his skills and range as an actor. He explained:

I knew that if I had sold it, even for $500,000 dollars, I knew that after the money was gone I would become very bitter for having sold out. Because my one love was to at least fail on my own terms. I wanted to see if I could act. Because with all these bit parts [I had done], you really couldn’t say whether this kid had talent or is just a big fake. … Up until [we started filming], I was bluffing. [I would say] “Yeah I can act, I’m a good actor, just give me a chance, I can out-act anybody, don’t worry about it!” Then they said: OK, do it. They called my bluff! Now, if I go out there and make a fool out of myself, I’ve wasted $1 million dollars. I’ve destroyed my reputation. Any young artist who comes along saying they’d like to make a movie. They’d react and say: Hey, don’t you remember Stallone? You want to make a bomb? And my name would be synonymous with turkeys and bombs. There was tremendous fear.

Rocky, made for less than $1 million, would earn $225 million worldwide. The point isn’t that Stallone’s gamble paid off. The point is that he knew what his life priorities were, he refused to compromise on them, and he pushed and shoved and took a calculated risk to live the life he wanted. Stallone was ready failure and open to success.

I’d add that even if Rocky had failed and ended up being a bad movie—film-making especially is always full of risk and uncertainty, like all great human projects—Stallone would have succeeded. Dedicating your life to what matters to you is the definition of success. Failures are not failures if we learn from them; they pave the way for later successes. And such bold, authentic individuals naturally attract other, like-minded people: even the experience of a common failure can bind them together and prepare future successes (consider how many political careers or TV shows started out pretty bad).

1. Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (London: Simon & Schuster, 2020), p. 93.